Stuck in the Bur Bush

Today is supposed to be a special day. Normally we celebrate this day like a second birthday for me. Three years ago, I had surgery to remove a brain tumor. Until a month before I was a healthy twenty-something year old woman. I should be dead. At least that's what the surgeon said. I'm very lucky to be alive. However, this year it's a little bittersweet...
           

This past week I was given the results to a second set of blood work. My doctor assured me that the first test was probably just a fluke, but we would run it again to be sure. It was not a fluke. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (MCTD).  My body is attacking itself and there is little I can do about it other than ride this flare up until it's over. It's been a few days and I'm over the initial shock, but I'm hurting and frustrated. This is usually the time of year where I celebrate my health, and instead I'm taking extra medication trying to find it again.

I keep thinking about cockle burs. You know those little balls of weeds that stick to you? They don't hurt at first; you don't even know they are there until something pushes against them and drives them further into you. Although they definitely hurt trying to get them off.

That is how I feel about this diagnosis. It's been there for a while. I've felt it a few times, usually when stress comes by and drives it in. And now I notice and I'm hurting. But I don't want to claim this in my body. I've lived through several things that should have killed me, or at least stopped me in my tracks, yet they haven't. I serve a God who has many names. One of them is Jehovah Rophe, the Lord my healer.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. " - Isaiah 40:29

As much as I know this is in my body, I serve a bigger God than any disease. I don't want to claim this. I am claiming healing. I will be okay. I will get through this. I will shake the burs that are trying to stick to me.
                   

And now I'm going to go do my best to celebrate!

Behind the Bush

It's been a while since I posted anything anything. I didn't realize how long until today. It's not that I didn't have anything to say or that I didn't try to write; the words were just not coming together and the timing just didn't feel right. And maybe I went inside myself a little bit.

If I'm honest, I will say I was hiding. I have this tendency when I am stressed, sick, or depressed to hide from everyone; I hide from the people who know me the best, especially God. A few weeks ago, I was struggling with all of this. I was having some problems at my job which was stressing me out. Usually when I am stressed I work it out at the gym, but I couldn't get through a ten minute workout without struggling to breathe. I stopped working out. I stopped talking at work. I stopped reaching out to my friends. I stopped being open with God. I had a million excuses and reasons why it was okay, but the truth is I was hiding because I didn't want to be seen as less than my best. I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't have everything together. If they really wanted to know, they would have to find me.

When kids are little, they learn to play hide-and-seek. They purposely hide and wait for someone to come find them. Most of the time this is fun. But sometimes there comes this point where you've been hiding for so long and you haven't been found, you don't know what to do. If you come out, you lost; but what if they give up seeking you?

And that's where I was at. I knew I wasn't alone in my hiding. My brain searched for people who knew where I was at, who knew this feeling I was experiencing. My thoughts turned to Adam and Eve in the garden:

^"8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. ⁹ But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?'
¹⁰ He answered, 'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.' "

No one wants their weaknesses to be exposed. Which is why when I feel broken inside, I run from it. I try to cover myself up so no one can see my cracks and flaws. When the truth is that is when I need to come clean and open myself up the most. But I'm stubborn... Thankfully God uses my friends to call me out, even when they don't realize it. In the midst of my bitterness my friends called me, persistently. And I am a bad liar.

I'm not a fan of the middle finger either, but I'm thankful for friends who walk with me and pray for me.

                                        

When I was in MC, I went through a similar period like this and I found this verse:

"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
    Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
    soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
    He’s my God."
Psalms 42:5 MSG

I painted this verse and have kept this visible in my room for over four years now. During this last period, I made myself read it every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed. I reminded myself that I had been here before. That the sunlight was just around the corner and one day soon I would be able to unfold myself from behind this bush.

So if you've found yourself in a funk or wanting to hide, know this:
           1) You are not alone
           2) It will NOT be FoReVeR, even though it feels that way at the time.
           3) Fix your eyes on God, he'll put the smile back on your face!

I am now (mostly) on the other side of this funk and (mostly) feeling better. And I'm ready to write again. I have a few things lined up and will (hopefully) be posting them in the next few weeks.