Behind the Bush

It's been a while since I posted anything anything. I didn't realize how long until today. It's not that I didn't have anything to say or that I didn't try to write; the words were just not coming together and the timing just didn't feel right. And maybe I went inside myself a little bit.

If I'm honest, I will say I was hiding. I have this tendency when I am stressed, sick, or depressed to hide from everyone; I hide from the people who know me the best, especially God. A few weeks ago, I was struggling with all of this. I was having some problems at my job which was stressing me out. Usually when I am stressed I work it out at the gym, but I couldn't get through a ten minute workout without struggling to breathe. I stopped working out. I stopped talking at work. I stopped reaching out to my friends. I stopped being open with God. I had a million excuses and reasons why it was okay, but the truth is I was hiding because I didn't want to be seen as less than my best. I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't have everything together. If they really wanted to know, they would have to find me.

When kids are little, they learn to play hide-and-seek. They purposely hide and wait for someone to come find them. Most of the time this is fun. But sometimes there comes this point where you've been hiding for so long and you haven't been found, you don't know what to do. If you come out, you lost; but what if they give up seeking you?

And that's where I was at. I knew I wasn't alone in my hiding. My brain searched for people who knew where I was at, who knew this feeling I was experiencing. My thoughts turned to Adam and Eve in the garden:

^"8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. ⁹ But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?'
¹⁰ He answered, 'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.' "

No one wants their weaknesses to be exposed. Which is why when I feel broken inside, I run from it. I try to cover myself up so no one can see my cracks and flaws. When the truth is that is when I need to come clean and open myself up the most. But I'm stubborn... Thankfully God uses my friends to call me out, even when they don't realize it. In the midst of my bitterness my friends called me, persistently. And I am a bad liar.

I'm not a fan of the middle finger either, but I'm thankful for friends who walk with me and pray for me.

                                        

When I was in MC, I went through a similar period like this and I found this verse:

"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
    Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
    soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
    He’s my God."
Psalms 42:5 MSG

I painted this verse and have kept this visible in my room for over four years now. During this last period, I made myself read it every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed. I reminded myself that I had been here before. That the sunlight was just around the corner and one day soon I would be able to unfold myself from behind this bush.

So if you've found yourself in a funk or wanting to hide, know this:
           1) You are not alone
           2) It will NOT be FoReVeR, even though it feels that way at the time.
           3) Fix your eyes on God, he'll put the smile back on your face!

I am now (mostly) on the other side of this funk and (mostly) feeling better. And I'm ready to write again. I have a few things lined up and will (hopefully) be posting them in the next few weeks.