What a Thorn...

Yesterday I wrote a post with this same title. I deleted it. It was contrived and forced and not entirely honest. I don't want to write just to fit a format or to spin a story. If I truly want to glorify God, I have to be honest in my faults and flaws.

When I started thinking about the post I had wanted to write yesterday, the word thorns kept popping in my head. You know those pesky little things on beautiful flowers... the ones that make you yelp when your finger finds them!

In my first post I mentioned that I had major surgery. One of the side effects from said surgery is that whenever it rains I get migraines. They have prescribed me medications to help, but both the storm and the headache were severe. So severe my lips were numbing and my hand was clenching. I was home alone and my medication wasn't helping. At some point, I briefly started crying in pain and frustration. I was a mess. I didn't ask for any of this and it was all out of my control.

Then, in the midst my despair, I heard this still small voice remind me that his power was made perfect in my weakness.

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' ” - 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

My physical battle was taking up uninvited space in my mind. His grace would get me through. That's not to say that I instantly switched into spiritual mode and instantly felt better. It took me repeating this verse a few times for peace to return. The physical pain was still there. But the overwhelmed feeling had eased. 

I hope the next time it rains, that I will remember this verse. That I won't freak out and get upset. But if I'm honest, I'll say I'm human and the odds are this won't be the last time I have this conversation with God. Facts are, my surgery was something that saved my life, but the side effects have been a thorn in my side. I have to choose to accept that his power will cover my weakness.

The deeper colored flowers, I believe, are primrose. I was picking the sweet peas and saw them. I cut them off and was holding them in my hand. That's when I noticed the thorns. They pricked my hand. The thorns caused momentary pain, but they brought beauty in my room for more than a week.

Beauty to be found...

Weeds... They can be pests. They come in and choke up the things that grow around them. They demand time and space and light. Never just one, they are everywhere!

In life we are often confronted with weeds. Those times where life feels ugly and hard. When something unexpected knocks you down and feels like it will never let you get up again. Where we feel stuck or broken or confused. Or all of the above.  Maybe even more than one at time. In those moments, life can feel like it will never be right again.

For me it was growing up without a dad...
My best friend attempting suicide...
An eating disorder...
Leaving Master's Commission (a discipleship/internship program) before the scheduled time...

But here's the thing. Things do get right again. You find your way through. The sun comes out again. And you persevere. And when you look back you realize that God turned all that pain into something beautiful. In hindsight I can see all the blessings that came from all that pain.

I have an amazing mom who loves me and several men who stepped into my life to be my dads.
My friend lived. 10 years later, she's a wife and a mom. We found TWLOHA. And last week I went to an amazing event to support it's founder.
I got healthy. I learned how to love myself and help others love themselves. I found I love the gym and love to learn how food can make us strong.
And when I was lost, leaving MC, it took 2 years to discover that the reason I came home was so that I would be in the right place at the right time when I needed major surgery.
And that story has led to another story, which will turn into another story, and another...

About a month ago, I went with my friend to see her horses. She had some work to do, but she set me loose to count the horses and check for healthy grass. I pointed out that there was grass and even flowers all over the place. The truth was, as my friend explained, those "flowers" growing all over the place were actually weeds. There seeds had been planted and spread and grown. But I didn't know what they had been through, I didn't know that what I was currently seeing as beautiful yellow flowers were actually weeds. Time had passed, they had bloomed, they had turned into something new...

One of my favorite verses is found in Psalms 61:3

"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor."

 Or a weed into a flower...

I went back to the farm the day after (6/7/15) I originally wrote this post...
Look what I found! Some wild daisies!!!

Today is my 26th birthday. I feel like that age is too young, yet not old enough. This is usually the 2nd point in the year I sit back and reassess my life and my goals. I've had the urge to write again. To try new things. To have adventures and explore. To wade my way through the muck and the grime, and find something meaningful. I asked myself what I wanted this year to look like; and what I came up with is that maybe this year, would be a year full of finding beauty in through the weeds.