"Here's the thing about stories... They are never just you own. The people in your life become a part of yours and you become part of other people's stories. So be courageous... Share your story... It may be the thing that propels someone forward; maybe the thing that give someone else purpose."
We all have different stories. We all have different parts to our stories. And we all have different people for each part of our story. This is my story, my journey that led me to walk into the dark caverns of disorders, depression, and suicide; my path to a community longing for healing and hope. These are the people that intercepted my story.
It was a Sunday in sixth grade, when I felt that first impact. I don't even remember the details of the day. All I remember is the tears on so many faces. This sweet 18 year old guy from our church had hung himself. I couldn't process it, couldn't compute. When was the last time I saw him? I know our age gap kept us from being close, but... he was fine... wasn't he? I didn't understand why the hurt went so deep. I had friends from school who cut and threatened suicide, but it never felt like this. The funeral was gut wrenching. There were so many people there, and I found myself talking to him for the first of many times, "If only you could see this, if only you knew how many people cared". I found myself thinking this again when I made my way to the open casket. The mortician had done their best to cover it with make-up and a turtleneck, but you could still see the dark bruising around his throat. I cried for him. For his family. For those of us who didn't understand, and maybe never would. Still, I've probably asked him, and myself, "Why" a thousand times over the years.
The next blow would come when I was 15, just a week before Christmas. Looking back I should have seen it coming. For the first time maybe ever, I felt like a normal teenager. It felt like any time not at school was spent with friends or my (FIRST) boyfriend! Life felt pretty good after a rough few months. That week felt crazy as I was preparing for finals and going out of town for the holidays. I knew I was coming down with something so I went to bed early. And then the phone rang... It was an estranged friend that I had been fighting with. I didn't have the energy to deal with her so I tried to brush her off and hang up the phone. Until I heard the words "She killed herself". Later, I would realize, she had actually said, "She tried to kill herself". However at that point all the air was already out of my lungs. It felt like someone was drowning me for all the pressure in the room. The "she" was my best friend. She had cut so much, the only way to hide it was wearing long sleeves year round. She had mentioned suicide before, but never a specific plan. I wanted to find her help and tell her mom, but she swore to me she was getting counseling. I had promised I wouldn't say anything. Plus she had been singing in a hairbrush with me the day before. She was doing FINE! But she wasn't fine... That night I cried more than I ever had before. I still thank God for the random person who found her in the bathroom. I remember the call from the psych ward, where she took her mother's phone and called our friend (her mom didn't have my number) and when she found out I was there would only talk to me. When we realized it would be several days before she was released from the hospital, we finally made our way home. I talked to my boyfriend on the way home as he tried to rationalize and analyze what had happened; as he tried to calm me down. As I hung up the phone around midnight, the bug that had crept up on me earlier in the night combined with the shock and stress of the evening finally got to me. I found myself vomiting for over 12 hours and stayed home alone that day. After that, the fear that set in refused to let me be alone. For the next week I walked around as a zombie, blaming myself, angry at others for not saving me from the nightmare I was in. Nothing else in life mattered. She left the hospital the day before I was set to leave for the holidays. To say I was irate was an understatement. I didn't want to leave her. Nothing else mattered but her health and safety. They still made me go. The one positive note to her hospital stay... Her depression was caused by a thyroid problem. She would be okay... someday. Maybe we all would...
And this is the part of the story that gets hard for me... I don't talk about it much. In fact one of my closest friends just heard it for the first time yesterday. After my friends suicide attempt I fell apart. The false sense of security I had just blew up. I broke up with my boyfriend and blamed myself for not being able to save my friend before this nightmare. Over the next few months, I found myself in my own dark depression. I had lost hope and felt very alone in this world. So I began making lists of the least messy ways to end my life. Finally, I decided it was time; I was tired of feeling alone. But something in me wasn't ready. I decided to give God 1 hour. I told him if He really cared someone would call me before the time was up, because the phone hadn't rang in months. I was tired of the darkness and the loneliness consuming me. That time was almost up when I heard my phone ring. It was a friend from school I hadn't heard from in a while. I lost my breath, after begging God for a call I was speechless. I managed to squeak out the words, asking if I could call her back later. And I dropped to my knees crying. That was the moment I told him I was HIS. He could have all of me. And I haven't looked back since.
My heart breaks for anyone struggling with depression. It's isolating and scary. While these stories are the ones that stick out, there are several more like them. I have stood with people and done my best to be "the living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe in better things". And I will be yours if you need it.
That 18 year old's family still mourns him. They wish for him in the special moments. My best friend, who never thought she would live to see her 20's, is now a wife and a mother; something she never thought would happen and something I dared to hope for. And me, I find my peace in God and helping others, in letting them know that there is light past the darkness. Depression is a funny thing. It doesn't have just one cause and it doesn't feel the same for everyone. Sometimes it feels binding, like chains keeping you from life. Sometimes it is numbing, like your stuck at the bottom of a wet cave. Still sometimes it is terrifying, like being out on a limb... afraid if someone steps out onto it to throw a lifeline it was break beneath you. If you or someone you know if contemplating suicide, please seek help. If someone asks you to keep their secret... don't. No matter the threats, no threat can be worse than losing them forever when they decide to end their life.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day which coincides with National Suicide Prevention Week. The theme this year is "We'll See You Tomorrow". And I will see you tomorrow because:
No one else can play your part.
I will be your living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe in something better.
People Matter.
I won't quit fighting for and along with those I love.
I will take your hand and run toward hope.
I believe in the possibilities!
"If depression is the verse, than hope is the chorus"
Please take the time to check out TWOLHA and visit their Find Help page. They are a great source of encouragement and direction.
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